I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
