I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Randomize
