Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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