Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Randomize
