nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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