Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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