apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
