Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
