This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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