Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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