i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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