i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Your penis caused this!
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