I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
