If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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