What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
