I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
