im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I still have a little drunk in my system
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
