Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
