My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Randomize
