I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
