He felt like a one man threesome
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
