I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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