I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
