id be glad to
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Your dad touched me again.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Randomize
