When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Randomize
