I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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