went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
