theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
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