Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
