The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
