I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
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