I can tuck mytits in my pants
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
