New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
