Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
