oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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