he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW
I have got to meet this girl.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
