I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Randomize
