I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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