I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
