I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
