how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
