I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
