Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
