In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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