I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
