Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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