If that was your dad, he is hot
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Randomize
