john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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