So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
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