She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Randomize
