You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
